Once again, I recognize this bloody crimson on my hands;
the same hands that are lifted high and the same hands that are stained with dirt.
Once again I am tossed back and forth in this wave,
a dance that pushes and pulls me towards and away from your arms.
I push off you and I fall, fall into this pit of brokenness,
And I find myself dancing in my pain, singing a lullaby of misfortune,
calling out for comfort, for forgiveness, for help, for strength.
And I hear nothing but the echo of my own failing:
“Why have I forsaken You?”
I hear the trampling of my own spirit resounding around me
Heavy blows that keep me down, that keep me blinded from You.
My eyes wander into despair, my body commits self destruction,
and I am convinced there is no end in sight.
As I spiral in my weakness, I am rendered useless,
a fake, a man stripped of all that makes him worthy.
This shame will never be wiped away.
I am surrounded by impossibility as I indulge in my own suffering,
in my own woe, in my old ways and in everything that I despise.
How can I fight when it is I that is against me?
How can I fight when I am blinded by my own evil?
I have failed you more times than can be counted.
I have taken your grace for granted,
I’ve traded apples for paradise.
I’ve tasted and I’ve seen, bring me back to that place once again.
Remind me that only You can save me from myself.